“Knowing at least one or two people still love me no matter how crazy I feel is important.”

Mary Modmothers are real lifesavers! Luckily there also other opportunities to soak in the much needed emotional support. There are a variety of divorce support groups available both online and in your community. The trick is picking the right one for you. Make sure that the people you surround yourself with are positive, non-judgmental and just generally pleasant to be around. If you are more comfortable around women, seek out women’s divorce support groups. You can find a plethora of both online and community resources by just typing “divorce support groups” followed your geographic preference into your favorite search engine. If you prefer to communicate virtually, seek out online support groups and forums such as the About.com Divorce Support Forum

Here are our practical action steps to finding the right support for you:

Gather together your own support group: Find positive people to surround yourself with. Your fiends love you and want to help you but they are not mind readers! Tell them what you need.

Stay away from negative people: You are already under enough stress. you don’t need vampires sucking away at your tattered emotions.

Accept help: No one has enough time and energy to do it all. Your loved ones enjoy helping you- so let them!

Don’t expect everyone to understand: They just won’t. It’s not personal. Focus on surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people.

Talk to a therapist: They are professionals specially trained in helping people deal with major life changes.

Remember, you are in charge of you!

This is an excerpt from “A Woman’s Financial Guide to Divorce” that comes as a supplement to our book Cinder Without Her Fella. Written by Carin Thomas

For over 15 years, I’ve watched smart, savvy women struggle to rebuild their lives during and after divorce because they lack confidence about money.

I’ve seen the same women overcome your fears, grow strong, and change their lives.

Why the struggle with money?

Because too many women think managing money is complicated.

Nonsense! If you can manage the enormous logistics of work, home, kids, families, spouses, friends, entertainment, book club, travel, and even a second home, you can certainly learn to manage your money. You can do this!

The key to successful money management is knowledge. And the key to acquire knowledge is facing your fears and digging in.

Yes, divorce is difficult. But remember: you don’t have to do this alone. You simply have to begin. Exactly where you are…

So here are the Top 10 Money Mistakes Women Make when getting divorced:

1. Spend too much.
2. Let your husband do your budget.
3. Not figure things out yourself.
4. Remodel the house.
5. Do nothing.
6. Stay in denial.
7. Forget to put retirement savings in your budget.
8. Not understand healthcare insurance if you’re not employed.
9. Accept what you’re given when you don’t understand what you own.
10. Not ask for help.

 

Here’s a place to start when you are figuring out what kinds of things you need to be doing as you move through the divorce process. Everything on this list doesn’t need to be accomplished at once. Simply begin and keep going until you are finished.

-       Open your own checking account, preferably at a different bank.

-       Save cash- ideally three months of expensive.

-       Notify your broker, banker, or insurance agent and let them know they can’t make changes to your account without    your knowledge.

-       Talk to an attorney, if just for an hour. Understand the divorce process- even if you ultimately decide to do nothing. They can charge a fee but it will be worth it.

-       Talk to a financial advisor, insurance agent, and accountant. Ask about their fees before you meet with them. Have your questions ready.

-       Open a credit card in your name only or have your spouse’s name removed.

-       Cancel all joint credit cards with zero balance or freeze spending on existing credit cards.

-       Order a credit report on yourself so you can see your credit history.

-       Change your online password. Use passwords you never used before.

-       Create your own budget and make sure to do it yourself.

-       Gather Social Security numbers of your kids and spouse. Keep them in a safe place.

-       Request to receive duplicate statements of any accounts, including children’s accounts.

-       Take pictures or make a video of valuable belongings.

-       Have an alternative mailing address.

-       Surround yourself with people who love and believe in you.

For more step by step worksheets to help you grow your financial muscle during divorce, check out our Women’s Financial Guide to Divorce.

When it comes to both Mother’s and Father’s Day, the best thing parents can do is try to be civil and encourage the children to celebrate the other parent. In situations where geography limits in person visits, it’s the primary caregiver’s responsibility to help the kids celebrate the other parent. Yes, unfortunately this is often easier said than done. If your ex’s weekend with the kids happens to fall on Mother’s day weekend and he isn’t willing to compromise, set aside a different day to celebrate with your kids.

Mother’s Day is a hard holiday to deal with after your divorce. Remember to go easy on yourself. Plan a time to celebrate you with your children even if it’s not on the actual holiday and remember to treat yourself.

Happy upcoming Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful moms out there!

-What if I never want to have sex again?

-What if no one will ever want to have sex with me?

-I’ve been out of the dating game for so long I don’t even know where to   begin when it comes to finding a sexual partner.

-Will anyone even find me attractive in that way?

We know this is easier said than done but, it’s time to squash those un-serving, negative self-beliefs and figure out what it is that you really want. Let’s tackle these negative thoughts one at a time.

Q: What if I never want to have sex again?

A: It’s finally time for you to take the reins and decide what makes you happy. If you don’t want to have sex ever again, then don’t. No one is keeping track and at the end of the day it’s really all about you! You are going through so much emotional baggage after your divorce that you may think you never want to have sex again. Physical intimacy is a basic biological need so once the dust settles, you may change your mind.

Q: What if no one will ever want to have sex with me?

A: Again, there is so much emotional baggage to sort through after your divorce that you may wonder if you are even desirable to anyone. As long as you want physical intimacy and are ready for it, you will always be able to find plenty of interested candidates. Here is an interesting tidbit from Ian Kerner (sex therapist, Ph.D, author of “She Comes First: the Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman),“I meet a lot of guys who really struggled through their divorce. They’re finally free and it’s almost a return to their college years where there may be over immersion into one night stands, going to bars, and picking up women…” According to Dr. Kerner, this one-night stand behavior newly single men experience usually serves as a short balancing phase. So again, lots of candidates are available for you when you are ready.

Q: I’ve been out of the dating game for so long I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to finding a sexual partner.

A: This is another topic that causes anxiety for many newly single men and women. We recently devoted an entire blog post to this topic. How to Start Dating After Your Divorce

Q: Will anyone even find me attractive in that way?

A: YES! This one is all about you being happy with you! This is a counterintuitive concept but, trust us when we tell you that people react to you the way you react to yourself. So if you truly believe that you are worthy, beautiful, smart, desirable, etc., that is the kind of attitude you will attract towards you.

We love to hear from you! Leave a comment with any questions you may have on Sex and the Newly Single Girl or any other divorce topic. We would be happy to answer them.

Getting back into the world of dating after a divorce can cause some serious anxiety. For some of us, dating the first time around seemed like a miserable experience and now we have to do it all over again!? With the right mindset, dating after your divorce can actually be a pleasant experience full of rewards. So where do you begin?

First of all, it’s important to make sure that you are ready to date again. Sometimes it can be unclear if you are ready to date but if you aren’t ready, you will know it. If you aren’t ready to get back out into the dating scene, take time to find yourself again. How do you enjoy spending your time? Is there a new look you’ve been dying to try out? Any new hobbies you’ve been interested in pursuing?

Once you decide you are ready to take the leap, it’s time to find some good date candidates.  Consider checking out groups based on hobbies filled with other singles. Meetup.com is a fantastic place to look for such groups. Online dating is another option to try. Yes, online dating did have a shady reputation for some time, however  that is all in the past and there is no harm in trying. If all else fails, we bet you have plenty of friends that have been dreaming about fulfilling their lifelong dreams of becoming successful match makers.

Going on that first date can seem daunting! After all, it’s been a while since you’ve had to do this. Don’t fret. Chances are, whoever you are going on a date with is in a similar situation and also feels awkward and out of place. Just be yourself and try to enjoy your time.

No matter what happens, don’t get disappointed or discouraged. Dating is like sifting for gold, tedious and dirty but extremely rewarding.

Let’s be honest, we have all wondered this at some point in time. Now that I am divorced, who do I trust to make important decisions on my behalf in-case something happens to me?  In fact, some of us spent some of our precious time worrying about this one. Well here is the deal, how many times has anyone needed that info anyway? There are plenty of great people in your life that can be bestowed with that honor: mom, dad, brother, sister, close friend, adult children, beloved niece or nephew. In fact, some of these folks might be a better option than your ex-husband would have ever been.

One word of advice, make sure you inform your new “in case of emergency” contact about your decision so that they aren’t caught by surprise with their new responsibilities in case something happens.

We love to hear from you. Tweet us at @cindergirls and let us who you use as your “in case of emergency” contact.

Faced with the option to check that “divorced” box can open up a can of emotional worms we aren’t ready to face. Even Miss Manners herself disagrees with labeling a woman a “divorcee forever, while the former husband immediately reverts to being a bachelor”.

This is what Miss Manners had to say on the topic in The Press Democrat on August 29th, 2008

Dear Miss Manners: On a job application or any application, when does one check the divorced box versus the single one? I say you’re divorced for one year and check the divorced box, then you are to check the single box. One can’t be divorced forever. Some people with kids prefer to use the divorced box, but one should use the single box if one is single.

Gentle Reader: The rule you propose is better than the common practice, Miss Manners admits — the one by which a formerly married lady is called a divorcee forever, while the former husband immediately reverts to being a bachelor. 

Still, you don’t get to make up the rules. Well, socially, you do. But even Miss Manners does not get to mess with legal terms. If you tire of being single and are asked your status on a marriage license application, she is afraid that you have to come clean.”

While Miss Manners makes some reasonable arguments on the topic, we feel that your well-being come first and foremost! If checking “divorced” unleashes the beast of emotional baggage, do yourself a favor and check “single”. One word of caution, check “single” at your discretion when it comes to job applications and legal documents.

We love to hear from you. Tweet us at @cindergirls and let us know hat box you usually check.

We are so honored! My Move featured us in their latest blog post. Check out the awesome article HERE

• - Treat yourself to the special day you deserve. Get yourself a bouquet of your favorite flowers, prepare your favorite meal complete with a special dessert.
• - If you have kids, do something special with them. Check out 7 Valentine’s Day Activities for Kids or hundreds of other ideas for celebrating Valentine’s day with your kids.
• - Get together with some girlfriends for a fun activity. Other than romantic places and events, nothing is off limits. Enjoy dinner with your closest friends or go for a fun workout together.
• - If you are in a giving mood, consider volunteering at your local food shelf or senior center. Often times, giving back to others can be very healing for our own souls.

We would love to know how you are planning to spend the day. Tweet us at @CinderGirls and tell us about how you plan on treating yourself today.